A day like today...

I don't know what it is about scrubbing your childs poop off the carpet that causes an emotional breakdown, but it never fails, tears usually accompany the process. Maybe its the feeling that this is what your life has come to, or to know that its very possibly normal for a potty training child and nonetheless disgusting, or maybe its because women who work in high heels and drive shiny cars and make lots of money NEVER have to clean up poop!!

Alright, alright, so maybe the grass only looks greener on the other side. Maybe I'm only seeing the glass half empty, but after a day like today, I'm not sure someone didn't come along and drink my other half.

Today was my first day home from spending a week and a half at my parents house surrounded by friends and family. Let me give you an example of what it kind of felt like. You know when you have a small child that plays so well alone, maybe you've worked really hard to get to this point, but he/she is finally playing with the toys you laid out and not screaming at you constantly. Well, then you spend the holidays with family and everyone holds him/her and by the time you get home you can't get anything done! Well, that little whiner is me today.

The realization of how lonely I am here set in pretty good today. No little cousins occupied my kids, no parents or siblings asked me if I wanted to play games or take a nap or just talk. Instead, I let the kids tear the house apart for the first part of the day while I used a gift card to download music, then I spent the second half of the day frustrated with my messy kids and messy house. My poor children!
I was trying to make dinner this evening with 4 kids whining and crying at me. Then, one of my boys dropped a toy on my foot while standing underfoot and crying, and the knot and bruise is there to remind me of what a wonderful day it wasn't. I almost burned dinner, while cleaning up a box of blocks for the 17th time. Then I smelled something awful. My youngest has been struggling with loose bowells and his poor bum was looking a litte raw. He's just turned 2 and I thought I'd let him run around bare bummed for a little bit and work on the potty training I've been avoiding... oops! Loose bowells and naked bums do not go well together, just for the record!!!! And to top it all off bedtime routine was shot due to the invasion of vacation rules.
I'll be sure to pray for more patience, energy, kindness and less chaos, fighting, and aggravation for tomorrow!!!

P.S. New years Eve is day after tomorrow... my excess of children and lack of social plans is a bit disheartening. ugh!

Christmas plans

A while back I came to the realization that I'm gonna have to lose the kids for some of the holidays. Coming from a VERY family oriented background you can only pretend to imagine my devastation on this topic. I cried, no sobbed for over an hour at the very thought of waking up Christmas morning and being alone, or being with extended family and watching them enjoy their children and me not having mine. I'm sure that my over-active imagination played up the scenario a bit but nonetheless it was a tramatic realization. So, after coming to grips with what was going to inevitably happen, I came up with the plan that if my ex husband and I could just get along and play nice for the last few holidays of the year, I wouldn't have to lose the kids for a christmas for two years. So we tried... and we failed. We made it through Halloween, and by the time Thanksgiving was over we both were "locked and loaded" per say.

Christmas next year will be so hard on me... but at least I have a year to prepare myself.

Just some thoughts...

I'm sitting down and writing tonight without a specific topic in mind. I have a mind full of thoughts and I guess I'm hoping to give the wheels in there a little relief. Today was sunday and for anyone who has taken three small children to church knows what I mean when I say "I survived"! They are actually getting better, though. They still need more work on using their quiet voices, but I'll keep working on it. It felt so nice to be there. We've had almost a whole month off. We spent the last two sundays traveling back from Idaho Falls, and the sunday prior to that was stake conference... only we didn't know about it, so we showed up to an empty parking lot. I love that all the kids go to classes now too. It makes it that much easier to try to converse with adults, and to try to feel the spirit. Gabe will be in primary in January, I can't believe he's that big. People always tell you they grow up sooo fast. I think, when you're cleaning up the entire bottle of chicken seasoning from off the living room rug, or you have a little boy screaming from the bathroom for you to wipe him, or every 3 seconds someone is telling you they got hit... it doesn't seem fast enough, but then one day you have kids big enough to make you promises, offer to help vacuum, and play games with you. It really does happen so fast.

On another note, I have been really struggling with a new battle in my life that I know I have to fight and conquer. I hate being alone (kids not counted). I miss begininng and ending the day with someone I love. I know it will happen again, but for now, its difficult for me to reflect inward as I need to. I have so much I need to work on as a person. This is such a great opportunity to do it. I just hope I'm up to the challenge. Sometimes it can seem like the task is too daunting. I'd much rather give that attention to someone else. hee hee. I'm gonna make some goals and hopefully by writing them down I can hold myself to them.

GOAL #1 I want to enroll in school by next summer. (I'd do it sooner, but I have to make sure I have some tax stuff is in order so I can get grants)

GOAL #2 I want to learn to budget my money better.

GOAL #3 I want to find a couple hobbies that entertain my time outside of the kids.

GOAL #4 I want to get my kids medical and dental things taken care of. That means all caught up on shots, teeth checks, all of it.

GOAL #5 I want to love myself like I love others!!!

GOAL #6 I want to be able to attend the temple monthly at least, again.

I guess thats a good place to start. I'm sure there are more, but at least that gives me some things to shoot for. Now, onward and upward!!!

Wall-e the Hamster

About a year ago we bought this cute little dwarf hamster. We brought it home and settled it into it's little cage. Two weeks later the hamster we thought was a boy had 5 babies! I googled how to take care of them and eventually became more endeared to the babies then I was to the mother whom we'd just begun to tame. I kept the two boy hamsters and sold or gave away the other 4 (the mother included). The one was named Wall-e and the other Hercules. (Thank heavens for Disney movies or our pets would lack good names.) Hercules had a mishap and returned to Hamster heaven a few months ago but Wall-e is still with us.

With that background painted allow me to proceed with my topic. I sat here this evening looking at my house that looks like the remains of tornado wreckage and began to wonder when things would be less complicated. This led me to wonder if its the circumstances that lead me to survive rather than to thrive, or if its just me. I looked up at my little hamster in his cage and came to a conclusion. I have been meaning to replace the shavings in his cage for a week now and somehow it falls between the cracks. Once, I even got up there to take down his cage and clean it and I realized he had a ton of his food stashed under those shavings. I quickly allowed myself to slide out of the responsibility and excused it by claiming the best interest of the hamster and his winter supply. So tonight as I started to shut down everything for the night and said goodnight to my little hamster, I realized that maybe things arent' perfect right now but there's alot of love in this house. Maybe Wall-e doesn't live in a fresh shavings environment but he is one loved hamster. I sneak him fruit and cheese and veggies whenever I can and he's not as dwarf-like as I'm betting all his sisters are (where ever they may be).

I think, no better yet, I hope and pray that it is enough for my children, as well, to be in such a place. Maybe this house is rarely clean, and maybe we have chocolate chip pancakes for dinner occasionally, and maybe we watch more movies than we should some days; but hopefully when I tuck them into bed individually each night, and say prayers individually with them each night, and hug and kiss them as much as I can all day and again at night, and hold them when they are sick or scared, and keep them safe from the things of the world, then hopefully, I have done enough. Hopefully LOVE will help us travel across that bridge from the land of surviving to a land of thriving.

To Be Single Again...

There is a very big difference between dating when you're young and single and dating when you're older and have kids! I had an experience recently that made this point quite clearly. Allow me to paint a picture. I had my ex husband coming into town to spend the day with the kids and I knew I'd be able to go out on my own. This doesn't happen very often so I took the opportunity to get all dolled up. Despite the recent addition to my hips and thighs I was feeling pretty good. I had put on a nice shirt that was actually feminine and wasn't covered in yesterdays handprints, and a pair of jeans that, though tighter than they used to be, made me feel maybe even a little sexy. I wore black heels and put some curls in my long hair.
As I was out on my adventure for the day I stopped by my cousins work. She works for a clothing store and they always have the cutest fashions there. I usually feel a little out of place in my preferred jeans and tshirt style, but on this day I had a little swing in my hips again as I walked. Upon leaving the store, I could've sworn a few heads even turned in my direction. Man, I was feeling hot. I crossed the parking lot and traffic was even stopping for me (okay, so maybe it wasn't that dramatic, but you get the idea). I strode up to my sleek silver minivan, and climbed in the seat. I sat there for a moment wondering what that bizarre smell was coming from the back and made a mental note to clean out the car and headed out of the lot.
Now, I was never a beauty queen, and I think I've embraced my feminity much more these days than I used to, but really??? I recommend doing things right the first time. And if for some reason someone were to end up in my shoes... enjoy every step. Its not every day you get to laugh at your own story.

How to end a day...

I am learning so many things about myself lately. I have learned that as a single mom of three small children there are often two ways I end a day. Grateful I survived, or approaching a break down. In this there are different states of mind as well. The grateful I survived comes in two varieties; contemplating my plan of attack for the next day, or contemplating joining the circus. There are also two types of break downs for me. I have the over whelmed and under paid break down, and the lonely, heartbroken break down. I prefer the first of these. But no matter how each day ends, it does end. And no matter how bad it was today, tomorrow will give it a run for its money. One thing is for sure though, I love my life. Even in every twisted form of chaos. Even when I leave tear stains on my pillow case some nights I always wake up to a smile... three of them actually. I know that love and families don't come in a cookie cutter shape. And I like ours just fine for now!

P.S. Today we got Shayne's Halloween costume. She's going to be a witch. If you ask her what she's going to be she makes sure to tell you she's going to be a "good witch". I asked her why she wanted to be a good witch and she says "because bad witches do bad things, and good witches do good things." I smiled and agreed. Just then Gabe chimes in to remind Shayne where she learned this excellent piece of wisdom "remember I told you that Shayne!" He's so wise!

Normal??

There are so many times as a parent when I do something, or my child does something and I wonder, "is this normal"? I love having friends and family with kids cause they help me feel normal a bit. Even though sometimes it may just be to make me feel better. :) Here are some examples of an "is this normal" moment:

We get home from a run to the store and my 3 year old son drops his pants in the front parking lot and pee's on the sidewalk. I came back around the corner just in time to see the fountain works and screech!

I was holding my almost 2 year old son one day and he bit me on the shoulder. I'm not sure if he was teething or just pestering me but it caught just the smallest bit of skin and hurt so bad. I yelped in pain and, purely out of reaction, I smacked him on the forehead! As soon as I did it I felt horrible, cause under normal circumstances I usually make it a goal not to smack my kids!

I leave walmart wanting to call CPS on myself or at least wondering why there isn't a MPS (mommy protective services)

My 4 year old daughter has an imaginary sister.

There are a million more examples I'm sure but these are what I can think of off the top of my head. I know that being raised by just a mommy makes some of our circumstances different from others but it still leaves a person to wonder... WHAT IS NORMAL??

Sacred

There are some things in a mothers life that should just be sacred. A good nights sleep in her own bed without kids is at the top of my list. I can't hardly remember what that's like but from what I do recall it was wonderful. Another thing that should be sacred is the last piece of cake. Why on earth should the mother of a household have to give up the last piece of cake? We usually do it for a number of reasons; the first being that we don't want to injure our girlish figures any more than bearing children already has done, and the last being that its not worth the crying that occurs when you don't share. All the other reasons fall somewhere in between. Which brings me to another sacred thing. JEANS! If a mother has a favorite pair of jeans they should always fit! Like the magic pants in that movie that just fit all the girls that put them on. That's how it should be for a mother, no matter how many pounds you lose OR gain those favorite jeans of yours should still fit... and look good.
Alright, alright... so I realize that being a mother means you gotta give up a few things but really is it too much to ask to just have a few things that are sacred?

Am I big yet?

As a parent I try to teach my kids what is appropriate to say and what is not. For example, I taught my kids that "stupid" is a naughty word. Now, whenever I mention this word I am very sternly reminded that its naughty to say it. Or if they hear it on a movie they have a two minute discussion between themselves as to who said it and why it shouldn't have been said. Sometimes they even "tattle" to me as if I can change the script or put the Disney character in time out. I am well aware now just how many times I utter that silly word thanks to my children and in return for teaching them, I am taught. This same sinario plays out for any of the words I've taught them not to use.

Sometimes I'm simply amazed at the things they do say. They come up with things that are far beyond what I think they know. One day Shayne and Gabriel had a discussion on getting bigger. Shayne said that when she gets bigger she'll be a mommy like me. I told her thats right, after your married. She tells me that then she'll be a mommy and a wife! (Now, she's getting all excited about the fact, maybe I make it look glamorous? Nah, that can't be it.) Then Gabe wants to join in, so he tells me that he'll be a daddy someday too. So I stop sweeping the floor and face my kids and talk to them about them being grown up. I tell them that one day (a very long time from now) they will get married. Then Shayne will have a husband and Gabe will have a wife. It was at this point that they both came to the same conclusion and Gabe asked Shayne to marry him!! Yikes... Not exactly where I was directing things, but adorable in all its innocents.



Gabriel is my big thinker. He has life all figured out as a puzzle that you just have to put the pieces together right and you get what you want. Today he pulled one of the "grown up" movies off the shelf and wanted to watch it. I explained to him repeatedly that he wasn't big enough for a movie like that. Upon his repeated attempts to break my ground, I finally flipped the movie over to show him the rating on the back. "Look Gabriel, it says PG-13 that means that you have to be 13 to watch it." His reply was simply "But I am 13 mom!" After much bantering back and forth about his age I finally gave up took the "because I said so" route and shelved the movie out of his reach.

I could fill up books with the funny things my kids say and I want to be able to remember them one day. I think at the end of each blog post I'll write a post script of anything interesting the kids said that day. Perhaps this will help me hold on to their youth a little longer. I hope they don't get big too fast. I have a feeling the things they say are likely to get less humorous...

Oh, to be a goose...

Have you ever watched a mother goose with her goslings? She has them all around her as she leads them where they need to go. They know they are supposed to follow her, that she feeds them and keeps them safe. So, I'm wondering why aren't people like that? If I was a mother goose and had to go to the store this would be an easy task. I could just walk up and down the isles and get the things I need and my little goslings would just follow. There would never be a need for a "code yellow" (for anyone who hasn't lost a kid, momentarily, in a store; please stop reading my blog.) there would be no threats of losing toys when we get home. It would be so pleasant. Now, I'm not an expert on Geese but I don't think that little goslings stay up all night with ear infections, I doubt they have bad dreams, they don't wet the bed, and they don't get the flu (well, maybe they do. We've all heard of the bird flu.)

I guess my point with all of this is that I have been sitting here thinking that no matter how I try to teach my kids what they need to know, or how they need to act it isn't really a natural thing. I wonder why that is? I suppose it would be too easy. I guess the Lord wants us to learn and grow as parents as well. Maybe being a goose isn't all its cracked up to be. Besides, I doubt any goose has a son who really thinks he's batman. I guess I'll stick with my life after all, being a goose just sounds far too boring.

Splurging

There have been few times in my life when I've had money in abundance. I think it is because those times are few that I've never been a big spender. I do recall that during those few times I could walk into a store and spend over a hundred dollars and not feel so bad. Perhaps even excited about my purchases. A time when there was justification and satisfaction in splurging to buy an expensive pair of jeans. Allow me to detour from this point for a moment to get on my soap box (after all it is my blog so I can do that. hee hee)
I find it interesting that we all go through ups and downs in life. Perhaps it is not all the same types of ups and downs but I believe that we all have them. I think that most people in life can agree that financial struggles usually play a part in many of these. This is along the lines of my blog tonight.
Upon returning from an eventful trip to the grocery store with my kids this evening; (it is rarely uneventful with three small children) I was on the phone to my cousin explaining some of my purchases. I had told her that despite the lack of money in my account I had "splurged" and bought some egg nog and some chocolate chips. It was then that she pointed out a concept to me, that we once used to use the term "splurge" to define such different things. Fortunately this wasn't one of those "poor us" discussions. We laughed and vowed to return to a place where "splurging" didn't involve grocery items.
Maybe I'll never be wealthy, maybe I will, but the fact of the matter is that I will look back on these days of little and love them. Time will fly faster than I'd like, kids will grow faster than I'd allow, and one day it'll all be behind me. I just hope and pray that I don't miss anything!

Here We Go...

For some time now I've thought of keeping a diary. There is so much that, as a mother, I want to be able to remember some day. I looked for a notebook the other day, but figured that I'd do better with something on the computer for two reasons. One, being that I can type faster than I can write, and the second reason is that I'm on here anyways. Might as well take a few minutes to close out the day or just stop from my daily routine to post some thoughts.
Perhaps I'll be the only one to ever read this. Maybe it'll just be a way to vent frustrations, or relive a funny moment from the day. Either way, I've made the goal to keep a diary so here goes.
As a mother I experience so many things. I wish I could say that no one ever told me that being a mother was this hard, or this much work, or this overwhelming. But the truth is that people tell you that stuff all the time. People tell you all of it but you just don't listen. I guess for me I figured that I would be able to handle it different or even better than the advise giver. Silly, silly me!
As a single mother things have gotten even trickier. There's no longer the relief of a husband at the end of a day, or at the beginning before he leaves for work. There's no longer weekends of help or family time. There is no running to the store, out with a friend, going to the gym time. There IS now more responsibility, less money, and not enough hours in a day to make it all work. Alone time is an urban myth, and adult conversations are like gold. But no matter how hard things get, there are always moments where my beautiful children make me laugh whole heartedly, cry tears of joy, and beam with emense pride. There isn't a moment of pain, a feeling of being over whelmed, or frustrated, or even angry that could make me trade any of it in for a different life. I love my kids, I love being their mother and I am so blessed every day in my life. I hope that in keeping this blog it will help me, and perhaps others too.