How to end a day...

I am learning so many things about myself lately. I have learned that as a single mom of three small children there are often two ways I end a day. Grateful I survived, or approaching a break down. In this there are different states of mind as well. The grateful I survived comes in two varieties; contemplating my plan of attack for the next day, or contemplating joining the circus. There are also two types of break downs for me. I have the over whelmed and under paid break down, and the lonely, heartbroken break down. I prefer the first of these. But no matter how each day ends, it does end. And no matter how bad it was today, tomorrow will give it a run for its money. One thing is for sure though, I love my life. Even in every twisted form of chaos. Even when I leave tear stains on my pillow case some nights I always wake up to a smile... three of them actually. I know that love and families don't come in a cookie cutter shape. And I like ours just fine for now!

P.S. Today we got Shayne's Halloween costume. She's going to be a witch. If you ask her what she's going to be she makes sure to tell you she's going to be a "good witch". I asked her why she wanted to be a good witch and she says "because bad witches do bad things, and good witches do good things." I smiled and agreed. Just then Gabe chimes in to remind Shayne where she learned this excellent piece of wisdom "remember I told you that Shayne!" He's so wise!

Normal??

There are so many times as a parent when I do something, or my child does something and I wonder, "is this normal"? I love having friends and family with kids cause they help me feel normal a bit. Even though sometimes it may just be to make me feel better. :) Here are some examples of an "is this normal" moment:

We get home from a run to the store and my 3 year old son drops his pants in the front parking lot and pee's on the sidewalk. I came back around the corner just in time to see the fountain works and screech!

I was holding my almost 2 year old son one day and he bit me on the shoulder. I'm not sure if he was teething or just pestering me but it caught just the smallest bit of skin and hurt so bad. I yelped in pain and, purely out of reaction, I smacked him on the forehead! As soon as I did it I felt horrible, cause under normal circumstances I usually make it a goal not to smack my kids!

I leave walmart wanting to call CPS on myself or at least wondering why there isn't a MPS (mommy protective services)

My 4 year old daughter has an imaginary sister.

There are a million more examples I'm sure but these are what I can think of off the top of my head. I know that being raised by just a mommy makes some of our circumstances different from others but it still leaves a person to wonder... WHAT IS NORMAL??

Sacred

There are some things in a mothers life that should just be sacred. A good nights sleep in her own bed without kids is at the top of my list. I can't hardly remember what that's like but from what I do recall it was wonderful. Another thing that should be sacred is the last piece of cake. Why on earth should the mother of a household have to give up the last piece of cake? We usually do it for a number of reasons; the first being that we don't want to injure our girlish figures any more than bearing children already has done, and the last being that its not worth the crying that occurs when you don't share. All the other reasons fall somewhere in between. Which brings me to another sacred thing. JEANS! If a mother has a favorite pair of jeans they should always fit! Like the magic pants in that movie that just fit all the girls that put them on. That's how it should be for a mother, no matter how many pounds you lose OR gain those favorite jeans of yours should still fit... and look good.
Alright, alright... so I realize that being a mother means you gotta give up a few things but really is it too much to ask to just have a few things that are sacred?

Am I big yet?

As a parent I try to teach my kids what is appropriate to say and what is not. For example, I taught my kids that "stupid" is a naughty word. Now, whenever I mention this word I am very sternly reminded that its naughty to say it. Or if they hear it on a movie they have a two minute discussion between themselves as to who said it and why it shouldn't have been said. Sometimes they even "tattle" to me as if I can change the script or put the Disney character in time out. I am well aware now just how many times I utter that silly word thanks to my children and in return for teaching them, I am taught. This same sinario plays out for any of the words I've taught them not to use.

Sometimes I'm simply amazed at the things they do say. They come up with things that are far beyond what I think they know. One day Shayne and Gabriel had a discussion on getting bigger. Shayne said that when she gets bigger she'll be a mommy like me. I told her thats right, after your married. She tells me that then she'll be a mommy and a wife! (Now, she's getting all excited about the fact, maybe I make it look glamorous? Nah, that can't be it.) Then Gabe wants to join in, so he tells me that he'll be a daddy someday too. So I stop sweeping the floor and face my kids and talk to them about them being grown up. I tell them that one day (a very long time from now) they will get married. Then Shayne will have a husband and Gabe will have a wife. It was at this point that they both came to the same conclusion and Gabe asked Shayne to marry him!! Yikes... Not exactly where I was directing things, but adorable in all its innocents.



Gabriel is my big thinker. He has life all figured out as a puzzle that you just have to put the pieces together right and you get what you want. Today he pulled one of the "grown up" movies off the shelf and wanted to watch it. I explained to him repeatedly that he wasn't big enough for a movie like that. Upon his repeated attempts to break my ground, I finally flipped the movie over to show him the rating on the back. "Look Gabriel, it says PG-13 that means that you have to be 13 to watch it." His reply was simply "But I am 13 mom!" After much bantering back and forth about his age I finally gave up took the "because I said so" route and shelved the movie out of his reach.

I could fill up books with the funny things my kids say and I want to be able to remember them one day. I think at the end of each blog post I'll write a post script of anything interesting the kids said that day. Perhaps this will help me hold on to their youth a little longer. I hope they don't get big too fast. I have a feeling the things they say are likely to get less humorous...

Oh, to be a goose...

Have you ever watched a mother goose with her goslings? She has them all around her as she leads them where they need to go. They know they are supposed to follow her, that she feeds them and keeps them safe. So, I'm wondering why aren't people like that? If I was a mother goose and had to go to the store this would be an easy task. I could just walk up and down the isles and get the things I need and my little goslings would just follow. There would never be a need for a "code yellow" (for anyone who hasn't lost a kid, momentarily, in a store; please stop reading my blog.) there would be no threats of losing toys when we get home. It would be so pleasant. Now, I'm not an expert on Geese but I don't think that little goslings stay up all night with ear infections, I doubt they have bad dreams, they don't wet the bed, and they don't get the flu (well, maybe they do. We've all heard of the bird flu.)

I guess my point with all of this is that I have been sitting here thinking that no matter how I try to teach my kids what they need to know, or how they need to act it isn't really a natural thing. I wonder why that is? I suppose it would be too easy. I guess the Lord wants us to learn and grow as parents as well. Maybe being a goose isn't all its cracked up to be. Besides, I doubt any goose has a son who really thinks he's batman. I guess I'll stick with my life after all, being a goose just sounds far too boring.

Splurging

There have been few times in my life when I've had money in abundance. I think it is because those times are few that I've never been a big spender. I do recall that during those few times I could walk into a store and spend over a hundred dollars and not feel so bad. Perhaps even excited about my purchases. A time when there was justification and satisfaction in splurging to buy an expensive pair of jeans. Allow me to detour from this point for a moment to get on my soap box (after all it is my blog so I can do that. hee hee)
I find it interesting that we all go through ups and downs in life. Perhaps it is not all the same types of ups and downs but I believe that we all have them. I think that most people in life can agree that financial struggles usually play a part in many of these. This is along the lines of my blog tonight.
Upon returning from an eventful trip to the grocery store with my kids this evening; (it is rarely uneventful with three small children) I was on the phone to my cousin explaining some of my purchases. I had told her that despite the lack of money in my account I had "splurged" and bought some egg nog and some chocolate chips. It was then that she pointed out a concept to me, that we once used to use the term "splurge" to define such different things. Fortunately this wasn't one of those "poor us" discussions. We laughed and vowed to return to a place where "splurging" didn't involve grocery items.
Maybe I'll never be wealthy, maybe I will, but the fact of the matter is that I will look back on these days of little and love them. Time will fly faster than I'd like, kids will grow faster than I'd allow, and one day it'll all be behind me. I just hope and pray that I don't miss anything!

Here We Go...

For some time now I've thought of keeping a diary. There is so much that, as a mother, I want to be able to remember some day. I looked for a notebook the other day, but figured that I'd do better with something on the computer for two reasons. One, being that I can type faster than I can write, and the second reason is that I'm on here anyways. Might as well take a few minutes to close out the day or just stop from my daily routine to post some thoughts.
Perhaps I'll be the only one to ever read this. Maybe it'll just be a way to vent frustrations, or relive a funny moment from the day. Either way, I've made the goal to keep a diary so here goes.
As a mother I experience so many things. I wish I could say that no one ever told me that being a mother was this hard, or this much work, or this overwhelming. But the truth is that people tell you that stuff all the time. People tell you all of it but you just don't listen. I guess for me I figured that I would be able to handle it different or even better than the advise giver. Silly, silly me!
As a single mother things have gotten even trickier. There's no longer the relief of a husband at the end of a day, or at the beginning before he leaves for work. There's no longer weekends of help or family time. There is no running to the store, out with a friend, going to the gym time. There IS now more responsibility, less money, and not enough hours in a day to make it all work. Alone time is an urban myth, and adult conversations are like gold. But no matter how hard things get, there are always moments where my beautiful children make me laugh whole heartedly, cry tears of joy, and beam with emense pride. There isn't a moment of pain, a feeling of being over whelmed, or frustrated, or even angry that could make me trade any of it in for a different life. I love my kids, I love being their mother and I am so blessed every day in my life. I hope that in keeping this blog it will help me, and perhaps others too.