I think I've seen this bench before...

Have you ever been lost? Not just a little lost, but the kind of lost where you are certain you're headed the right direction and then things start to look familiar again. The sudden realization that you just went full circle and you're right back where you started starts to sink in. Well, this is me. If life could be drawn out on a map of where we go and where we've been I'd be finding a seat right where I sat three years ago. The realization that I've been here weighing heavy on my heart.
I can't believe it's been almost three years since I wrote. Sometimes time just slips between our fingers and we don't even realize it. I re-read my last entry tonight (after 20 minutes of trying to figure out my password and username only to have to reset it all). I felt like I could copy and paste it in a new entry and it would come close to all being relevant. This, is not a comfortable feeling. A little over three years ago I ended a marriage that probably, in my opinion, should never have started. I was eager to move forward and find what I felt I had been missing out on and struggling with the challenges of being a single mother and wanting companionship. Oh, if I could go back to that version of me three years ago. The things I would tell her. Older and wiser we go, as the time ticks away at our lives. Each tick of the clock bringing more wisdom at the price of experience. I am now separated from my second husband and we have been so since January. Just less than a year after marrying we separated for the last time. There are so many things that I learned in that short year. Things like, it is really hard to be a step parent, honesty really is the most important asset you can bring to a relationship, and that we all have our breaking point for sanity. I guess mine was reached at 7 children and at least 5 mental and emotional challenges under one roof, a lack of income, an abundance of outgo, and dishonesty plaguing a marriage that happened all too fast. I must say in all fairness, that it wasn't all bad. I hope one day to feel what I felt at one time as I did with this man. He was kind, and thoughtful sometimes to a fault. He was a good man, with a trunk full of baggage and four children filling the seats (some of which were very challenging) of the "car" he offered. It was all too much for one person, and the hardest part for me was that my children were struggling too. I don't see any other way this could have ended. Now, on to find the courage to finish things with a divorce. Even just the word divorce is hard to vocalize at times. It's such a thing of negativity. The finality of it so heavy. Maybe I'm just overly emotional, but for me, it's a very hard decision. It makes it even harder when you have someone you care about begging you not to go through with it. I do care about him, and this makes it so much more challenging, but I have to care about me and my kids first. This will be a really hard journey because of my feelings, but I have to find my inner strength and do what is best for us. Wish me luck!!
For a first post back... this is a rambling mess!! Hope it gets better! :)