Where I've been... and where I hope to go!

In the last 6 months since my divorce I have not only hit many stages in emotions, but have been able to see others in there similar stages as well. I can look at a friend that is still going through a divorce and see myself in so many ways just not that long ago. It ceases to amaze me the difference just a couple months can make, and yet those months in my own life seem like an eternity.
As usual... now I explain. About 7 months ago when I was trying to finalize my divorce I was in such a state of confusion. I knew that finishing the divorce was what I needed to do, but I couldn't help but cry, ponder, and even lose sleep over the ramifications. I have three children who love their dad dearly! I made promises when I got married that I didn't want to break and wanted to be sure that I was doing this all for the right reasons. I had to come to a realization that no amount of love, or hope, or even faith can change someone else. I finally reached a point where I began to move forward, where I knew what needed to be done for the benefit of myself and my children.
This was a stage of determination. I knew that I had done what I could to try to work on a struggling marriage and that I had given it ALL I had. I knew that God loved me and wanted me to be happy. I knew that somehow things were going to be alright. I was "certain" of myself and my actions. I remember having a discussion with a couple members of my church shortly after moving into my home and even being a little shocked at how "certain" of myself I was. "Things are going to work out." I said. I was ready for a change and for a new life. I hadn't, however, planned on it not being instant and that there would be such emotional roller coasters in the meantime.
Next, was the stage of trying to replace. After the divorce was final I signed onto dating online. I had hoped to turn my attention away from being alone and to find that there were really good guys out there, inspiring a little hope in myself. Not my best suggestion for others. It may work for some but it was not for me. I dated a little this way, but the results were always the same. Things didn't work out, and in most cases people could just lie about who or what they were. There was one instant where I began talking with a guy and the chemistry seemed great. I found him funny and interesting. After a couple days of this talking back and forth via computer and text I was out one night without the kids and he asked if we could meet up. Once we met up, I realized I was in a sticky situation. He had little or no sense of humor in person, he looked little like his pictures, there was NO chemistry, and he suddenly talked alot about his "questionable past". I managed to escape with as little as just a dessert, where I paid for my own, and about a 20min conversation before I had a friend call me away. Poor guy. After a bad relationship or two I realized that this was not the way to find hope.
So, next was the stage of depression and lonliness.... still working my way out of this one. I started to realize day by day that there very well may be a long period of struggles before things are "worked out". I read once that the average amount of time a woman is single after a divorce is about 3.5 years! I think I cried when I read this. I get so overwhelmed everyday trying to fill both the father and mother role without relief that the idea of that much longer, on an average, was a little daunting. There became more and more times where I ended the day with tears on my pillow. More and more times when I've wondered if I really will make it through another day like the one before. More and more times when I look at the things I truely want in life and see just how far away they really are. I try to find happiness in the little moments and embrace all the good around me. I truely am blessed. I have good friends, good family, and awesome kids! But sometimes its just not enough... sometimes the day still ends alone and the next begins just as alone. There is a song that states that one is the lonliest number, but I have to disagree. I was never in a state of lonliness as a single person as I have been as a single parent. I can honestly attest to the plan of my Heavenly Father in the Family unit. There is meant to be a father and a mother to rear and guide and discipline children. It wasn't designed for one person to carry the load alone. I also know that the time will come one day when I will truely be able to bask in the richness of a wonderful relationship, and that if I continue to try my best I will be blessed and so will my children. I have to have faith that no matter how long this "tunnel" is there is definately light at the end of it.
In closing, I hope that my next stage is contentment in SOLITUDE. I read a quote last night that said, "You cannot become or remain creative without solitude." I want to be happy alone and then be able to share that happiness with someone else, when the time comes. There are so many things about myself that I would like to explore and better. There are things that I can try to work on now so that I don't carry more baggage than necessary into a future relationship. For example, I know that I'm a needy person. I find my self-worth in the praises and affirmations of others. This isn't the way I want to be. I don't want to think I'm wonderful, or beautiful, or anything else, just because someone else says so. I want to believe those things whole heartedly on my own. I want to continue to love others but to be able to love myself just as much! I have signed up for some counseling to assist me in all of this and am excited to learn tools and guides to help me do this. I know I can get there especially with faith, and the knowledge that my desires and persuits will better myself and my family. Its up to me to find the light at the end of my tunnel and I intend to do just that.